Michael Vick's Kennel

The Scottish Gus Johnson

2007-09-14T11:30:00.004-05:00

While cruising trying to get highlights from the Scotland 1-0 win over France, I found this highlight with the deciding goal. The goal is amazing, but it has nothing on the announcer (Peter Martin). Wait a few seconds while watching it for the highlight.

I'd pay 20 bucks a game for him to be in a booth with Ron Santo.

Also, I can't get over the fact that the Scottish National Soccer song is "I wanna walk 500 miles." Glorious.

Worst. Cover. Ever.

2007-08-21T14:53:00.001-05:00

Deadspin recently had a post talking about the SI College Football Preview cover in which they featured a player who is transfering. It also pointed out another mistaken cover, crowning ~~expert gun smuggler~~ shitty high school guard Sebastian Telfair as the next great NBA player. It made me think of a cover that made me know we were doomed immediately from the day it reached my doorstep.

I don't know how this cover has slipped through in the past.

But seriously SI, fuck you.
A big, hindsight is 20/20 fuck you.

Of all the goddamn things to piss me off from the past (and as a Cubs fan, they are not far and few between) this has to be right there with Hugh Hollins not being banned from the city of Chicago.

I have to read about Peter King's Bowel movements to get any training camp info, and Rick Reilly is pretty much the reason I am not going into sports writing. But the SI curse exists, and it is not like the Cubs needed another one.

No wonder Mark Prior's arm is no longer attached and Kerry Wood is now the #4 pitcher in the bullpen. At least we still have Ryan Dempster. Ugh.

David Stern is somewhat grumpy

2007-05-16T20:55:00.000-05:00

For anyone who was not or is not able to hear Dan Patrick's interview (ESPN Insiders only- sorry) with the NBA Commissioner David Stern, I apologize. They debated the validity of the suspensions of Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw after the Game 4 "incident," which pretty much boned the Sun's the chance of winning Game 5 at home. But if you were, you surely heard how intense the discussion got. My (rough) transcript from the ESPN Radio and ESPN Insider interview

Patrick: You have to fact in though , Commissioner, that these are- certainly one marquee player, and a valuable bench player-
Stern: Oh, right, I see, I should make my decisions based upon whether its a marquee player- I'm gonna write that down

(Later)
Stern: So these players took themselves out of the game. Except for the exception you would like, that if it is a franchise player opposed to a scrub that goes out we should add some factor that allows us to do that, okay. I'm gonna put that to the owners. This subject has not been raised in 10 years.

Patrick: Commissioner, do you think the owners would look for interpretation in this rule?
Stern: No

Patrick: Not at all? That they didn't go onto the floor, this isn't across the floor like what happen in Miami against the Knicks.

Stern: They were 20-25 feet away from the bench, and they violated the rule. I mean, its a fair point if you want to change the rule, if the rule is subject to all the lobbying that is going on, that okay, the commissioner should suspend a player who is on the court if he thinks his intention was bad, ran but didn't run far enough? Help me out Dan.

Patrick: Commissioner, what I'm saying is you have a great series, marquee series, can you be fair to the situation-

Stern: (Interupting) Ohhhhhh, okay, your right. In other words, therefore, depending on what will put the most fans watching our games, that will put the most money in our pockets, we should bend our rules. Okay, I'll put that as my second point. Let me write that down-Point two.

Patrick: Commissioner, the point is this series is going to be decided on Robert Horry's hip check with Steve Nash, and you sit down-
Stern: I'm gonna wrestle with you, and you better stop that. Its not being decided by that. Its being decided because two Phoenix Suns who knew about the rule, forgot about it, couldn't control themselves, and didn't have coaches that could control themselves- And don't you forget it.

Stern went out to say that the rule could be changed and he would not mind, but at the same time he would enforce the rule. Sounds kinda like John Kerry explaining an Iraq joke (McCain still prefers Asian jokes), Rudy Giuliani explaining his abortion stance, or the ESPN executive responsible for ESPN Mobile begging for his life from the world wide leader (with a hangman and noose nearby.)

Stern almost exclusively blamed the rule, and said that he would be open to the change but he could not supersede it, which is obviously not true with the power he wields like Phil Spector after a keg stand and an NRA meeting. Maybe he is take back his crown as most bad ass commissioner in sports Stern, who I have thought and still do think is the best commissioner in sports (Gary Bettman included!) But, lately the league has gotten to over-protective, and turned the sport into an over-cautious league. They are too afraid that the urban element of their players will eventually somehow lead to a disaster that brings down the league and scares off the majority of their season ticket holders (white people.) But then again, if Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neil, and ~~Suge Knights idol~~ Stephen Jackson beating the shit out of the defending champs fans, what aside of gunfire will? (also probably involving Stephen Jackson.)

Mizzou really could use a better PR department

2007-05-15T13:16:00.000-05:00

Wow, even Mizzou's CLUB sports are PR disasters now.

Now, normally you, the Western Hemisphere, and I would not care in any possible way what happens regarding the University of Missouri's men's lacrosse team. Hell, not only is it lacrosse, its a club team. I'm a student there, and I did not even know there was a lacrosse team.

Well, last June their coach, Kyle Hawkins, revealed that he is gay. Now, would Missouri, a major university with non-discrimination policies, gay and lesbian organizations on campus, and a recent history of public relations fiascoes try to not attract attention and move with the times? Fuck no!

Hawkins was recently fired after his team finished 6-9, his first losing season in nine years with the team. The players and club officials insist that the firing was performance related. In recent news O.J. fails to find the real killers on the golf course for the 12th straight year.

Now, to be fair, the University has very little control over the club teams. Title IX has led to major universities having to reduce their athletic programs, and as a result, many sports are forced to be available only at club level. For instance, Mizzou has no Men's soccer or tennis teams, sports that are both far more popular in the Midwest than lacrosse.

But for a school that has dealt will self-inflicted and just plain bad luck public relations disasters in the past, this is the last thing the school needed: more negative attention. As a current student at the school, it isn't even suprising to hear some of the stories or the latest controversy. We are surprising when the school doesn't butcher something now.

In the past few years, the embarrassments have piled up:

In 2003, Mizzou guard Ricky Clemons reenacts what life was like for Tina Turner in the 70's, and is arrested after beating his girlfriend. The incident opens the floodgates to investigations that would put the program on NCAA probation. Also, the wife Elson Floyd, the then President of the entire University of Missouri system, is revealed to have had private conversations with Clemons while he was in jail, scolding him for dating a white girl. She urges Clemons to make sure when looking for women, that there be "no pink toes." Classy.
That same season (2003-04), the basketball team, once ranked at #3 in the polls, fails to even make the NCAA Tournament, finishing barely above .500 with a 16-14 record.
The opening of the brand new, $75 million kick-ass Paige Sports Arena takes place at the before the 2004-05 basketball season. The arena is named after Paige Laurie, the daughter of Wal-Mart heirs who made a $25 million donation to the arena's construction. A national story breaks out when it is revealed that Paige, who attended USC, paid her roommate $20,000 during college to basically do all her work for her ~~while Paige was busy getting railed by Matt Leinart~~. The arena is renamed (creatively!) Mizzou Arena after the revelation.
The team fails to make the tourny this year as well, and is placed on probation by the NCAA for recruiting violations. Despite apparently cheating, the team finds a way to still blow.
At this same time, my freshman year, four of the then freshman scholarship basketball players lived in my dorm. I one of these prized recruits driving three different (and fairly nice) cars throughout the year, despite his lack of income or family wealth. He also took the liberty of parking in the 10 minute parking on the sidewalk in front of the dorm for days at a time. My ticket count? About 11. His? Never an envelope on the glass. (Why am I not saying his name? Because he is still a student and I don't need my ass kicked.)
Quinn Snyder reenacts Tony Montana's cocaine binge at the end of Scarface.
Near the end of the 2005-06 season, Snyder is informed that he will not be retained as head coach. He resigns, and the entire episode is handled like a Donald Rumsfeld occupation plan, with Athletic Director Mike Alden nearly losing his job as well.
Head football coach Gary Pinkel is informed in 2006 by an assistant he is allowed to make in game adjustments, especially at halftime. The assistant is quickly tarred and feathered, shot and buried underneath the Journalism school's construction site.

Now with all this in mind, would it be that hard to keep on the gay coach at a university with all this in their recent history? The school had nothing to lose by keeping him on, but instead it seems they seem determined to make everything difficult. I cannot wait to see what the butcher next.

There Are Now No Gay Lacrosse Coaches (That We Know Of) (Deadspin)
Gay lacrosse coach let go at Missouri after nine seasons (Washington Post)

Devin Hester and the Bears off-season

2007-05-14T23:48:00.000-05:00

Devin Hester is moving to offense. Hell yeah.As Bears fan who witnessed in person Hester’s two touchdown game in St. Louis, and his opening kickoff return at the during Chicago’s Super Bowl ~~triumph~~ loss, this news has renewed my excitement for the upcoming season. Bears’ fans have needed some good news, because since Chris Harris' first quarter interception of Peyton Manning, there has been nothing but repeated kicks to our collective psyche and balls.

The off-season of cheerful storylines includes:

Me spending roughly 30% percent of my net worth and savings going to the Super Bowl, via a flight from Scotland. Yeah. Scotland.
Love Smith’s contract status immediately becoming a national story, making the Bears’ cheapness even more notorious than before. The Bears finally wised up and paid that man his money, but not until being put through a PR nightmare.
Tank Johnson buys $24 million worth of ammo and small explosives from a Russian arms dealer (unconfirmed.)
Lance Briggs gets his inner Latrell Sprewell on and ~~strangles his coach~~ criticizes Bears’ management for using the ‘Franchise Tag’ on him, not offering him what he viewed to be a fair contract. He and ~~agent~~ douchebag Drew Rosenhaus bitch about the guaranteed $7-plus million contract that Briggs would earn next season. Latrell and his starving children would be proud.
Tank Johnson is sentenced to four months in prison
Devin-fuckin-Hester becomes the first player to ever receive a 100-speed rating in Madden video game history. I immediately watch 5 hours of clips of him on Youtube.
An uneventful draft that sees the Bears make very few headlines (note: after what GM Jerry Angelo did with last years draft, finding Hester, sack artist Mark Anderson and starting safety Daniel Manning, I will give him more than the benefit of the doubt.)
Tank Johnson is released from prison early for good behavior after 60 days in prison. He proceeds to fire an AK-47 into the air while dancing around a burning American flag and screaming something that sounded like “Jihad,” (also unconfirmed.)
Devin Hester moves to the offensive side of the ball.

Now, the actual impact on the field could be minimal, or it could be the thing that turns Rex Grossman into a consistent quarterback, or at the very least, keep Brian Griese, Kyle Orton and his Chewbacca-like beard, on the sideline.

Hester scored seven touchdowns last year, counting the playoffs, or on a little more than 10% of the time he touched the ball. Marvin Harrison and Terrell Owens were both able to accomplish that statistic as well. Now, as a running back and receiver, if Hester could stay close to that statistic, above 7-8%, it could easily mean the difference between a season like 2005, where the team lost their only playoff game, or 2006, which resulted in a Super Bowl run.

Hester had almost 70 kick returns last year, and that was without handling the kick return duties for much of the year. With an increase in returns, and additional carries and catches on offense, Hester could become the kind of player we tell our kids about, not necessarily because of his overall production, but because of the way he could break a play open and change a game single-handedly.
Also, the fact that this allows for us to play Hester on offense in Madden 08 might just ruin my own educational development. Fuck ever having to trade for Reggie Bush or one of the other running backs in the game, or for Steve Smith or another burner wide receiver. You can just easily trade for Hester, as will be rated low due to his Terry Bradshaw-like reading level and lack of experience. Then just stick him in the training camp exercises and soon enough you have possibly have a 3000-yard season or a 35 TD reception campaign. Hell, you might be able to have both.

Madden already is an all-encompassing game. For Bears fans, and anyone else who has too much time on their hands, Hester on offense could literally lead to several life-altering consequences from over-playing Madden. These include:

divorce
obesity
failing out of school
loss of income
sharing a jail cell with Tank Johnson
job loss
increased drug use
bed sores
uttering BOOM! in everyday conversation
going Najeh Davenport on your hamper because the bathroom is too far away
fear of sunlight
a Pat Summerall-like drinking habit

(Chicago Tribune Photos)